Family Estrangement Navigation
It all begins with an idea.
Before You Begin: A Gentle Warning
Before you start reading, please understand that the topics discussed here can be emotional and potentially triggering. Reader discretion is advised.
Estrangement is a subject many people avoid. It’s not easy to talk about, and it often comes with a flood of uncomfortable questions: Why? When? How? What happened? Who caused it? Because of that pressure, many people choose silence over vulnerability, keeping their experiences hidden even from those closest to them.
To clarify what estrangement means, Scharp (2019) defines family estrangement as a process that occurs “when at least one family member voluntarily and intentionally distances themselves from another family member because of an often ongoing negative relationship.” She further explains that, “similar to divorce, parent–child estrangement can be an intergenerational issue; this means that adult children who distance themselves from their parents might eventually be distanced from their own children” (Scharp, 2019).
In this blog post, we’re going to explore what estrangement looks like in its different forms. Most people have either experienced estrangement themselves or know someone who has. The causes can vary widely. Some studies suggest that certain family communication styles play a role in why people become estranged from one another. Sibling estrangement, in particular, has its own unique dynamics—where trauma meets real life, and real life meets real pain.
My goal here is to educate you to the best of my ability while also sharing personal insight to help you connect with the topic. If this subject intrigues you—or if you feel you need clarity to better understand what’s happening in your own family—read on.
Next, we’ll look at estrangement between parents and children. If that section resonates, continue on to explore sibling estrangement in depth.
Parent Child-Estrangement
It all begins with an idea.
In a perfect world, everyone would get along, no bad energy would be shared, and families would be innately close. Sadly, that is simply not the case.
When it comes to parent–child estrangement, it is typically initiated by the child — which I do not find surprising in the slightest. In past years, there was rhetoric that essentially stated that things are better left unsaid, boundaries are not valid, and neither are your feelings: suck it up — those are your parents, respect them anyway.
WOW.
As you would expect, this created deeply unhealthy relationships in families, especially between parents and children, and in turn made way for extreme mental distress and the desire for estrangement.
Today, estrangement is still a hush-hush topic. If someone has an estranged family member, people whisper, “Did you know their child doesn’t talk to them? There’s no respect there,” not even considering what drove the child to that point.
What Research Says About Estrangement
In a study by Kristen Carr titled Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Nonmatched Sample (Carr, 2021), the author concluded that there are three different reasons for estrangement. I explain them below in the clearest terms possible.
1. Intrafamily Issues
Intrafamily issues can be described as continued negative behavior from estranged family members.
Example:
You have expressed to your parents many times that since you were young, you felt they favored your oldest sister because she made better grades and had stable friends. Their reaction was, “You’re overthinking,” and to tell you not to bother them with “stupid comments.”
Looking from the outside, you probably want to scream and say, “Notice your child!” But it is more complex than that. Make sure that when your child brings a concern to you, you do not just listen — you also hear them.
2. Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues occur when a parent does not respect a clearly stated boundary, which creates an argument that continues.
Example:
You tell your parent, “I will come home this Thanksgiving, but I do not want to be around Uncle Billy; he makes me uncomfortable.” Instead of listening to you and respecting your boundary, your parents undermine you and decide to invite Uncle Billy anyway.
You show up for Thanksgiving ready to try again and give your parents another chance — and the first person you see is Uncle Billy. Of course this causes immediate aggravation, leading to a continual argument that’s never fixed and ultimately to complete estrangement.
3. Interpersonal Issues
Interpersonal issues are conflicts, arguments, and high tension between individuals. This problem does not have to be family-specific, but it is more common within families.
Example:
You see your older sister as someone you can confide in when times are tough or you feel unsure. But whenever you tell her something, she goes and tells your parents immediately, completely disregarding your privacy, breaking your trust, and making your personal difficulty about her. Your parents react insensitively and dismiss your feelings. This continual behavior leads to isolation and eventually estrangement.
Final Thoughts
Overall, I am not a parent, but from what I have seen and observed — personally and through extensive reading — most of the time conflict and estrangement were caused by the parents’ lack of hearing the child’s concerns, neglect, favoritism, resentment, and lack of boundary respect.
If you are reading this to better understand estrangement, whether you are a parent or not, be open-minded to other people’s opinions and respect boundaries as much as possible.
Sibling Estrangement
It all begins with an idea.
When You Think of Your Sibling: Understanding the Roots of Sibling Estrangement
When you think of your sibling, everyone has a different thought that pops into your head. Maybe it’s positive and you think, “Oh, that’s my confidant,” or maybe it’s “they are a best friend.” Or maybe it’s not such a positive thing — maybe the first thing that comes to mind is: hurt, liar, untrustworthy, abusive. All thoughts are welcomed in this space.
In this blog post, I will share my own heartache along with notable, credible articles and journals that have a deep understanding of why siblings become estranged. Sibling estrangement is one of the hardest and deepest things to grasp. Ideally, your sibling is one of the closest relationships you will form in your entire life.
What the Research Says About Sibling Estrangement
In my reading of Sibling Estrangement in Adulthood by Hank and Steinbach, they mention that we as humans do not have much quantitative research on sibling estrangement as adults. Although in this article Hank and Steinbach refer to Blake et al., they state:
“Siblings both can and do become estranged, [challenging] commonly held assumptions about family relationships, confirming that they are not necessarily or always life-long, significant or supportive.”
This is a hard pill to swallow.
So what drives siblings to disconnect or even become estranged?
Estrangement Is Not Sudden
Sibling estrangement is almost never something that happens overnight. The article explains that estrangement is a thought-out decision. One of the biggest factors is parental favoritism — which is difficult to grasp if you are on the opposite side, because sometimes it is unknown to your sibling why they are being treated better than you.
Another driving factor is simply life: moving away, calling less, the addition of children, prioritizing personal responsibilities, and losing touch. Many of us view our siblings as a constant. You assume they will always be there, which leads to dismissing their feelings, calling them annoying, yelling, and assuming they will never leave.
Types of Adult Sibling Relationships
In Conflict Management in Adult Sibling Relationships: Differences in Interpersonal Power, Sibling Influence, and Conflict Tactic Use Among Sibling Types (Donato et al.), they identify a piece by Gold (1989), which states that sibling relationships can be classified into five major types.
1. Intimate Siblings
Seen as “best friends.”
They express feelings openly and share deeply.
This relationship is described as a lifelong friendship requiring little maintenance.
2. Congenial Siblings
Good friends who try to be supportive.
They communicate, but not often — and when they do, it’s inconsistent.
3. Loyal Siblings
These siblings love each other “because we are siblings.”
They can be supportive, but communication lacks depth.
Underlying jealousy or rivalry may contribute to conflict.
4. Apathetic Siblings
These siblings have little to no regard for each other.
Communication is minimal or nonexistent.
This relationship style is complex but often mutually understood.
5. Hostile Siblings
The relationship is tense, aggressive, and emotionally unsafe.
Arguments, verbal abuse, and dysfunction are common.
Understanding these patterns helps us recognize what “normal” sibling relationships look like — and also what unhealthy dynamics may push siblings apart.
My Personal Experience With Estrangement
I have first-hand experience with sibling estrangement. I have been estranged from my brother for almost four years now. It began with small disagreements that grew into more hostile behavior. Eventually, I became extremely manipulated and drained daily.
I chose to estrange myself from him not because I wanted to, but because I could take no more.
Ultimately — and I think many estranged people can relate — it is not what you want. It is not the fairytale ending you hope for. But sometimes estrangement is the truth and the only path to peace of mind.
If You’re Estranged, You Are Not Alone
Reaching out to support groups has helped me, and it can help you too. Here are two resources:
If you are currently estranged from a sibling or a parent, please know this:
You are not alone.