Parent Child-Estrangement
In a perfect world, everyone would get along, no bad energy would be shared, and families would be innately close. Sadly, that is simply not the case.
When it comes to parent–child estrangement, it is typically initiated by the child — which I do not find surprising in the slightest. In past years, there was rhetoric that essentially stated that things are better left unsaid, boundaries are not valid, and neither are your feelings: suck it up — those are your parents, respect them anyway.
WOW.
As you would expect, this created deeply unhealthy relationships in families, especially between parents and children, and in turn made way for extreme mental distress and the desire for estrangement.
Today, estrangement is still a hush-hush topic. If someone has an estranged family member, people whisper, “Did you know their child doesn’t talk to them? There’s no respect there,” not even considering what drove the child to that point.
What Research Says About Estrangement
In a study by Kristen Carr titled Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Nonmatched Sample (Carr, 2021), the author concluded that there are three different reasons for estrangement. I explain them below in the clearest terms possible.
1. Intrafamily Issues
Intrafamily issues can be described as continued negative behavior from estranged family members.
Example:
You have expressed to your parents many times that since you were young, you felt they favored your oldest sister because she made better grades and had stable friends. Their reaction was, “You’re overthinking,” and to tell you not to bother them with “stupid comments.”
Looking from the outside, you probably want to scream and say, “Notice your child!” But it is more complex than that. Make sure that when your child brings a concern to you, you do not just listen — you also hear them.
2. Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues occur when a parent does not respect a clearly stated boundary, which creates an argument that continues.
Example:
You tell your parent, “I will come home this Thanksgiving, but I do not want to be around Uncle Billy; he makes me uncomfortable.” Instead of listening to you and respecting your boundary, your parents undermine you and decide to invite Uncle Billy anyway.
You show up for Thanksgiving ready to try again and give your parents another chance — and the first person you see is Uncle Billy. Of course this causes immediate aggravation, leading to a continual argument that’s never fixed and ultimately to complete estrangement.
3. Interpersonal Issues
Interpersonal issues are conflicts, arguments, and high tension between individuals. This problem does not have to be family-specific, but it is more common within families.
Example:
You see your older sister as someone you can confide in when times are tough or you feel unsure. But whenever you tell her something, she goes and tells your parents immediately, completely disregarding your privacy, breaking your trust, and making your personal difficulty about her. Your parents react insensitively and dismiss your feelings. This continual behavior leads to isolation and eventually estrangement.
Final Thoughts
Overall, I am not a parent, but from what I have seen and observed — personally and through extensive reading — most of the time conflict and estrangement were caused by the parents’ lack of hearing the child’s concerns, neglect, favoritism, resentment, and lack of boundary respect.
If you are reading this to better understand estrangement, whether you are a parent or not, be open-minded to other people’s opinions and respect boundaries as much as possible.
