Sibling Estrangement
When You Think of Your Sibling: Understanding the Roots of Sibling Estrangement
When you think of your sibling, everyone has a different thought that pops into your head. Maybe it’s positive and you think, “Oh, that’s my confidant,” or maybe it’s “they are a best friend.” Or maybe it’s not such a positive thing — maybe the first thing that comes to mind is: hurt, liar, untrustworthy, abusive. All thoughts are welcomed in this space.
In this blog post, I will share my own heartache along with notable, credible articles and journals that have a deep understanding of why siblings become estranged. Sibling estrangement is one of the hardest and deepest things to grasp. Ideally, your sibling is one of the closest relationships you will form in your entire life.
What the Research Says About Sibling Estrangement
In my reading of Sibling Estrangement in Adulthood by Hank and Steinbach, they mention that we as humans do not have much quantitative research on sibling estrangement as adults. Although in this article Hank and Steinbach refer to Blake et al., they state:
“Siblings both can and do become estranged, [challenging] commonly held assumptions about family relationships, confirming that they are not necessarily or always life-long, significant or supportive.”
This is a hard pill to swallow.
So what drives siblings to disconnect or even become estranged?
Estrangement Is Not Sudden
Sibling estrangement is almost never something that happens overnight. The article explains that estrangement is a thought-out decision. One of the biggest factors is parental favoritism — which is difficult to grasp if you are on the opposite side, because sometimes it is unknown to your sibling why they are being treated better than you.
Another driving factor is simply life: moving away, calling less, the addition of children, prioritizing personal responsibilities, and losing touch. Many of us view our siblings as a constant. You assume they will always be there, which leads to dismissing their feelings, calling them annoying, yelling, and assuming they will never leave.
Types of Adult Sibling Relationships
In Conflict Management in Adult Sibling Relationships: Differences in Interpersonal Power, Sibling Influence, and Conflict Tactic Use Among Sibling Types (Donato et al.), they identify a piece by Gold (1989), which states that sibling relationships can be classified into five major types.
1. Intimate Siblings
Seen as “best friends.”
They express feelings openly and share deeply.
This relationship is described as a lifelong friendship requiring little maintenance.
2. Congenial Siblings
Good friends who try to be supportive.
They communicate, but not often — and when they do, it’s inconsistent.
3. Loyal Siblings
These siblings love each other “because we are siblings.”
They can be supportive, but communication lacks depth.
Underlying jealousy or rivalry may contribute to conflict.
4. Apathetic Siblings
These siblings have little to no regard for each other.
Communication is minimal or nonexistent.
This relationship style is complex but often mutually understood.
5. Hostile Siblings
The relationship is tense, aggressive, and emotionally unsafe.
Arguments, verbal abuse, and dysfunction are common.
Understanding these patterns helps us recognize what “normal” sibling relationships look like — and also what unhealthy dynamics may push siblings apart.
My Personal Experience With Estrangement
I have first-hand experience with sibling estrangement. I have been estranged from my brother for almost four years now. It began with small disagreements that grew into more hostile behavior. Eventually, I became extremely manipulated and drained daily.
I chose to estrange myself from him not because I wanted to, but because I could take no more.
Ultimately — and I think many estranged people can relate — it is not what you want. It is not the fairytale ending you hope for. But sometimes estrangement is the truth and the only path to peace of mind.
If You’re Estranged, You Are Not Alone
Reaching out to support groups has helped me, and it can help you too. Here are two resources:
If you are currently estranged from a sibling or a parent, please know this:
You are not alone.
